This is a biggie for me. I will try to simplify and explain my boundaries that work for me in friendships with other moms and my kids' friends moms, developed after uncomfortable situations and conversations that led to amazing boundaries, clarity and a deeper understanding of needs within mom friendships.
As moms, we get excited when we find another mom who we would be friends with even if they didn't have kids. We laugh, we share and what is better than also having kids the same age? Nothing can go wrong right? Well, slow down. Before you dive boundry-less into this fast mom friendship, remember you still need to set some intentions and boundaries so that the lines are not blurred. If we, you and me, choose to have a ‘mom’ friendship outside of our children's friendship, I would like for us to have an understanding that it is NOT mutually exclusive to our children's friendship. Meaning that if we choose to elevate our friendship, text, share and have an emotional closeness that comes with a friendship, not acquaintanceship, that we will do so uniquely to us and not project, mirror or force the sameness of our friendship onto our children's friendship.
This means that if at any point your child or my child does not want to
1. have a playdate or hang out, just simply need a break from each other or find themselves growing apart from that friendship with really no other reason to intervene (short of abusive or bullying behavior that need be discussed) that we respect our child's wishes and not force our playdate on to them. I teach my kids friendships are not always linear, it is a not a straight line, it is fluid with room for growth (a post for a later time). I as a parent\friend do not do the following..
2. I do not enmesh my friendship with our children's friendship. You and I should not call each other up aggressively, insultingly, demandingly or controllingly trying to control our kids and their friendship, rifts, playdates, hang outs or even their fights. My child will always tell me when they want to do an activity, with whom they want to do it and when they are ready to leave. I am not the keeper or enforcer of my children's friendship and I prioritize teaching them to listen and trust their own needs of who, what, when and where, within reason. My child can also come to me for advice and guidance about their friendship quarrels, but I will find healthier ways than to call up a parent in a blind rage. It isn't helpful but far to many times we let our emotionally driven parenting rage take over because we are fearful for our children and want to control the outcome of a situation, and as a parent, this is real and raw. But blind rages will only escalate a situation and add fuel to a fire, trust me. Children learn best with guidance and calm collaboration, not control. I am here to guide and teach, not enforce.
3. I also do not condone it when any adult speaks negatively or insultingly about any children in my presence, even if you feel it is warranted. Too many times, mom friends get in a toxic habit of bad mouthing other children or their parents. I have never been comfortable with it and I will be the change I want to see, even if it means not being invited to events where the main activity for the moms is to gossip. I don't find it interesting and it perpetuates a toxic cycle. Children are innocent in my eyes and an important part of my values is that children need to be guided and supported, not bad-mouthed. I can understand if you have concerns, but then express those concerns to the people involved. We have the right to complain but we absolutely do not have the right to criticize anyone. So keep it in the "I feel", not the "You are". Part of what is important in my parenting world is that if you can't be part of a supportive village in which to support and guide children and not judge each other so harshly as parents, then this relationship simply will not work for me. And that's fine, that is a boundary of mine. No hard feelings.
I have met many great moms along my motherhood journey. But just like any other relationship in my life, boundaries are extremely important to keep these relationships healthy and ongoing. I would really like to start a mom group via discord or zoom in order to dive more into mom friendship boundaries and how we can model healthy friendships in front of our children. I made a lot of changes in how I show up and respond in my own friendships now, because I'd like to be the change I want to see and be an example for my children. Taking inventory and gossiping were the first 2 things to go....
How healthy are your parent friendships?
because we repeat what we don't repair